I had been warned. Because I was stuck at home with covid, my colleagues watched the Japanese-Hong Kong co-production, ONPAKU, a week before I did. As is our custom, they were silent about it afterwards but when I commented that the film’s rambling synopsis was a lot of story, one of them came back to me saying, “If only that were everything.” A week later, when I told them that I was going to see the film that night, the other texted back, “Thoughts and prayers”. Yes, I had been warned.

In its essence, ONPAKU tells the story of Sarah Kwan (Josie Ho Chiu-yee/何超儀, HO CHING/豪情), a Hong Kong real estate developer, who comes to Tokyo to purchase a property for her company of which she is the CEO. No sooner is she off the plane then things start to go wrong for the poor woman. Her local agent, Sean Tam (Lawrence Chou Tsun-wai/周浚偉, ENTER THE FAT DRAGON/肥龍過江), is an ex-boyfriend of hers, her hotel loses her reservation and EVERY hotel room in the city has been booked by the visit of the US president. Her choices are down to either a love motel or a dilapidated private homestay, known as a minpaku, run by an old woman (played by Kazuko Shirakawa/白川和子). Of course, Sarah chooses the latter otherwise we wouldn’t have a movie. On her first night there, things go bump in the night and, in the morning, she convinces Sean that there’s something under the floor boards in her room. Sure enough, Sean finds a skeleton there and that gets Shinjuku Senior Police Superintendent Sho Oyamada (Kazuya Takahashi/高橋和也) involved. He’s been investigating the mysterious disappearance of a journalist who was looking into what was going on at the house but he has his own problems to deal with including alcoholism, racism and a distrusting sister who works as the local medical examiner. Undeterred, or maybe just plain stupid, Sarah continues to stay at the minpaku and finds herself getting sucked into a strange cult that is operating in the house.

Would you believe that’s only about 20 percent of the story? There is so much going on in ONPAKU and writer-director Shugo Fujii/藤井秀剛 (RED LINE CROSSING) takes audiences down rabbit hole after rabbit hole only to come up empty each time. Remember that skeleton? It has nothing to do with anything but we do know that it was infested with a flesh-eating parasite that also has nothing to do with anything. And Oyamada’s alcoholism? Ignore that too. Sarah and Sean’s past relationship? Another nothingburger. And that journalist? She pops up in a hospital in a catatonic state but that doesn’t go anywhere either.

Fujii shows all the directorial skill of a junior high school student, and I apologize to young budding filmmakers everywhere who actually have some talent, with his ghoulish montages of everyday Japanese people going about their lives in Tokyo, jump scares that don’t scare, overly shaky handheld camerawork, and acting, particularly by Ho, that is so wooden that trees would be jealous. It’s hard to believe that Ho once won an award for being the Most Charismatic Actress. But let’s not feel too sorry for her. Her daddy is Macau casino magnate Stanley Ho. (Her company, 852 Films, co-produced this abomination, which is probably why she got cast here.)

ONPAKU is easily the worst film I’ve seen this year, if not this millennium. The lessons here are clear. First, if given the choice, choose to stay in a love motel. I have and they’re clean, quiet, reasonably priced and you get a complimentary condom each night. Second, avoid spending any time or money watching this steaming pile of trash. You have been warned.

ONPAKU is playing now in Hong Kong.

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