In this Year of Cinema Discontent, what should be popular isn’t and what shouldn’t be popular is. INSIDE OUT 2 is the year’s box office leader, taking in more than US$1.2 billion so far. Coming up fast is DESPICABLE ME 4, which has already earned US$230 million worldwide and it has only been out for a week. Meanwhile, FURIOSA, THE FALL GUY and A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE have all faltered at the box office. Until very recently, industry pundits were saying that audiences would much rather stay at home and watch movies on their big screen TVs where they can stop them when they want and check their social media pages to their heart’s content while the movie is playing without incurring the wrath of the stranger sitting diagonally behind them. “The cinema experience is dead!” these same experts exclaimed but the success of IO2 and DM4 has proven them wrong. People do want to watch films in the cinema. It just depends on the film. But here’s the strange thing: Both IO2 and DM4 will land on the streaming services after playing in the cinema for 45 days. One of the complaints coming from audiences is that it’s “not worth” seeing many films in the cinema. By the time you factor in tickets, popcorn, drinks and driving to the mall, it’s cheaper and more convenient to get a subscription to Netflix or Disney+. But that argument doesn’t fly with the success of IO2 and DM4. These two films do not need to be seen on the big screen. Moreover, these are family films, meaning that instead of two tickets, two buckets of popcorn and two drinks to be bought, a family might be buying four of each. Suddenly, the economics of going to the cinema vs. staying home doesn’t add up.

Then there’s the flipside of this Discontent. Movies that in the past would have sat unwatched on a dusty shelf at a Blockbuster Video store are bypassing the cinemas and going straight to the streaming services where they’re reaching #1. In May it was J-Lo’s sci-fi actioner, ATLAS, which debuted at #1 on Netflix even though it was panned by the critics. Then came Jessica Alba’s action thriller, TRIGGER WARNING, which also hit #1 on Netflix and was also panned by critics. Now we have the Nicole Kidman-Zac Efron romcom, A FAMILY AFFAIR, in the #1 spot. And guess what? I watched it anyways so you won’t have to.

Zara Ford (Joey King, THE KISSING BOOTH films) is a 24-year-old personal assistant to Hollywood action star Chris Cole (Efron, EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE; THE GREATEST SHOWMAN). Chris, who is self-absorbed and shallow, disrespects Zara, who has ambitions of being a producer. When she quits, Chris goes to her home… well, her mother’s home, where he finds her mother, writer Brooke Harwood (Kidman, EXPATS), busily cleaning her office in her immaculately tidy oceanside mansion. (Yeah, right.) After a brief bit of day drinking, the two find themselves irresistibly attracted to each other and Brooke, who is much older than Chris, gets her groove on. When Zara finds out, she’s naturally upset but her grandmother, Brooke’s late husband’s mother, Leila Ford (Kathy Bates, ARE YOU THERE G-D? IT’S ME, MARGARET.), thinks it’s great that Brooke is dating again. Can a leopard change its spots or is Chris really the lothario that Zara thinks he is?

As much as I would like to get through this review without body shaming, that’s just not going to happen… but not yet.

A FAMILY AFFAIR is completely vile. I’ve got nothing against cougars and romcoms about cougars — I almost didn’t hate THE IDEA OF YOU with Anne Hathaway and Nicholas Galitzine — but this one is annoyingly DAF. There is so much that’s wrong with the script. Zara has worked with Chris day in and day out for two years so she’s probably a pretty good judge of his character. Nevertheless, after one interrupted roll in the sack with Chris, Brooke says to Zara that she knows him better and he’s not the a**hole that Zara thinks he is. Aside from being wrong and arrogant, what kind of mother is Brooke that she would embark on a relationship with her daughter’s jerky ex-boss? And what kind of mother-in-law is Leila that she would condone it? Leila should be telling Brooke that it’s wonderful that she’s back in the saddle again but she should choose another horse to ride as Chris should be off-limits. Then there’s Chris who overnight goes from being illiterate to quoting from Brooke’s book. Sure, he’s probably used to learning pages of dialogue overnight but if he’s dense enough not to realize that his movie franchise is based on Greek mythology, then he’s probably not bright enough to make the effort to read her book much less understand it.

Finally, there’s the slight issue of the paparazzi and the Hollywood tabloids, who would make mincemeat out of Brooke if they found out about the relationship. (At least THE IDEA OF YOU covered this.) A FAMILY AFFAIR shows Brooke and Chris having a glamorous private dinner, taking sunset strolls along a private section of beach in front of his home and relaxing together in the privacy of her beachside patio. See the picture here? They’re never out in public together and that should be a red flag for Brooke and Leila.

I wish this film’s problems end here but they don’t. For romcoms to work, there has to be some chemistry between the paramours. Kidman and Efron are as wooden — and not nearly as interesting — as a kitchen cabinet door from Ikea. There’s one scene where he’s touching her hair, which looks like one of those string mops, and even he must be wondering whether the paycheque he’s getting is worth it. The problem could very well be chemically-related though. Kidman is no stranger to plastic surgery and although she’s never admitted to it, the photos of her over the years don’t lie. This time, however, it’s as plain as the cheeks on her face. The actress now looks like a chipmunk. Her face is also completely absent of wrinkles. Come on, gurl! It’s time to give up your obsession with fillers and Botox and start looking your age. It’s getting to be a distraction already.

All in all, A FAMILY AFFAIR is one dumpster fire of a movie but that hasn’t stopped it from reaching #1 on Netflix. Go figure.

A FAMILY AFFAIR is streaming now. You have been warned.

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