With China’s heavy hand of censorship now firmly on the neck of the Hong Kong film industry, our filmmakers have learned they must toe the line if they wish to secure both funding and distribution for their projects. Gone are the days when corrupt police or government officials feature prominently in local stories because, we are repeatedly told, those people can’t possibly exist in a place where patriots are running the show. But what’s a filmmaker supposed to do if his/her story hinges on government corruption? Oh, that’s easy. You set the story prior to 1997 when the British were in charge and Hong Kong was a lawless society. That’s exactly what director Anthony Pun/潘耀明, ONE MORE CHANCE/別叫我”賭神”) has done in his new disaster flick, CESIUM FALLOUT.

In a remote part of Hong Kong (very close to the border with China, though that geographical tidbit is completely ignored), fire breaks out in an area used for collecting scrap metal for recycling. When the presence of radiation is discovered there, disgraced former civil servant turned nuclear radiation expert Simon Fan (Andy Lau/劉德華) is called in to advise the government on how to deal with the unfolding crisis. Simon, though, has plenty of problems on his plate already and the fire only reminds him that his wife, who was a firefighter, died on the job ten years earlier when Hong Kong was still that lawless British colony. His brother-in-law, who is also a firefighter, is part of the crew sent to put the fire out but there’s a tiny problem: The radiation is being caused by cesium-137, which releases a highly flammable and toxic gas when it comes in contact with water and, to make matters even more complicated, there’s a typhoon on the way. Now Simon, along with Financial Secretary and acting Chief Executive Cecilia Fong (Karen Mok/莫文蔚), have to solve the crisis before it turns into a full-blown environmental disaster that could turn Hong Kong into a nuclear wasteland in seconds (because radiation only travels south, apparently, and not across the harbour).

Who knew that a disaster film could be so funny? The only problem is that CESIUM FALLOUT isn’t meant to be funny. It’s just so absurdly dumb that you can’t help but laugh. Hong Kong screenwriters aren’t great at writing dialogue but Mak Tin-Shu/麥天樞 WARRIORS OF FUTURE) and Shum Kwan-Sin/岑君茜 (TWILIGHT OF THE WARRIORS: WALLED IN), along with Wong Wing-Yiu/王穎瑤, should have been experienced enough to come up with something better than these cardboard archetypes operating in a patriotic melodrama. The case is point is the young female firefighter who volunteers to go into the belly of the beast, so to speak, to retrieve the cesium even if it means risking her life. The only problem is that her arm is in a sling and she’ll need to don a hazmat suit. The prize, though, for the most ridiculous line goes to the director of the Hong Kong Observatory (Patra Au/區嘉雯, SUK SUK/叔叔) who predicts to the second when the typhoon will arrive. If only the real director of the HKO could do that we’d have far fewer complaints from the public when a typhoon turns out to be a dud. Perhaps the film’s bright spot, and it’s all relative, comes from the story’s evil tycoon, Peter Cowen (played with relish by Michael Wong/王敏德), the chairman of the construction company, DOE Corporation. Unfortunately, Wong’s part is underwritten with Cowen mostly sitting back in his posh office smoking a cigar, smugly unconcerned that a toxic time bomb, even one that he had a hand in creating, is situated in the shadow of his still-under-construction luxury housing development. As I was watching the film, I kept thinking that Cowen will have to change the name of his company to DOA because the lingering radiation would certainly affect the future residents’ longevity.

Surprisingly, CESIUM FALLOUT marks the first time since 2005 that Hong Kong entertainment heavyweights Lau and Mok have appeared in a film together. (The film was WAIT ‘TIL YOU’RE OLDER/童夢奇緣.) Unfortunately, here they’re let down by the weak script that only allows Lau to yell and Mok to scowl. They both deserve better than this but such is the new reality of filmmaking in Hong Kong.

CESIUM FALLOUT opens in Hong Kong, mainland China and North America on Friday (November 1st) before rolling out to the rest of the world. Fasten your seatbelt. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. (Yes, I know that’s not the exact quote from ALL ABOUT EVE.)

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