Stories about the British monarchy have been a staple of Hollywood films for almost as long as there has been a Hollywood. From Henry V (1944) to Spencer (2021), the lives, loves, foibles, successes and tragedies of the royals have piqued the curiosity of us mere moviegoing commoners for generations. While some of these films have enjoyed both critical and commercial success (THE FAVOURITE earned Olivia Colman a Best Actress Oscar in 2019), the accuracy to which they cover historical events has been hit and miss. The film, FIREBRAND, which is about Catherine Parr, is one such film that plays fast and loose with historical accounts.

Parr (Alicia Vikander, TOMB RAIDER), the wife of King Henry VIII (Jude Law, THE NEST) and Queen Consort of England, knows she has to walk a very fine line if she’s going to avoid the fate of some of her husband’s five previous wives. Nevertheless, she is undeterred in her missions — first, to rehabilitate the statuses of Henry’s three children, Mary, the daughter of Catherine of Aragon; Elizabeth, the daughter of Anne Boleyn; and Edward, the son of Jane Seymour; and second, to bring about reforms in the Church of England that aim to replace the Latin liturgy with English translations that will make prayer more accessible to the unwashed masses. On the first mission, she has taken over the care and education of Henry’s three heirs, and is made Regent to the throne while her husband goes off to fight an expensive war with France. On the second mission, things are more precarious as her book, “Psalms or Prayers”, which is an English translation of the Latin Psalms, puts her at odds with the king’s religious advisor, Bishop Stephen Gardiner (Simon Russell Beale, OPERATION MINCEMEAT), who sees Catherine’s Protestant views as heretical. Adding fuel to the fire is her close friendship with Thomas Seymour (Sam Riley, MALEFICENT 2: MISTRESS OF EVIL), who was her lover before she married the king. As Henry’s health continues to decline, his mood becomes increasingly volatile, putting Catherine’s position of privilege and ultimately her life in jeopardy.

Leaving aside all the revisionist history to suit the film’s narrative, one would assume that a film that has the provocative title of FIREBRAND would have a bit of passion and excitement to it. Sadly, this film is as interesting to watch as a fish tank screensaver. That’s not to say that the performances are dead in the water, although Vikander does look at times to be wondering what her agent got her into. Director Karim Aïnouz (A VIDA INVISÍVEL) seems unable to wring any tension out of this incredibly dull script. It makes one want to shout at the screen, “Off with her head!” (If you’re going to rewrite history, anything is possible, right?) You know you’re in trouble when the best part of the film is seeing Jude Law’s decidedly unhairy, heavily padded ass. Really? The bearded Henry VIII had a body as hairless as a baby’s?

FIREBRAND is available now on all the major streaming sites. It’s disappointingly mediocre so unless you’re bored, you can safely give it a miss.

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